The old saying, “You are your own worst critic,” holds true for most of us, especially when we feel we don’t measure up in areas like achievements, career, social standing, relationships, appearance, body image, or financial status. We tend to criticize ourselves for even minor mistakes harshly, and this self-berating intensifies with more significant errors. Many people find it challenging, if not impossible, to treat themselves kindly or speak to themselves with care, often recoiling from the idea as if it were repulsive or painful. This post answers the questions,’ What is Self-Compassion, why is it important to our well-being, and why do we excel at self-criticism but struggle with self-kindness?’

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What is Self-Compassion?

Self-compassion involves being kind to oneself in instances of pain or failure rather than being harshly self-critical. It also involves recognizing that suffering and personal failure are part of the shared human experience. Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in the field, describes it as comprising three main components:

1. Self-Kindness vs. Self-Judgment: Being kind and understanding toward oneself rather than being harshly self-critical.
2. Common Humanity vs. Isolation: Recognizing that suffering and personal failure are part of the shared human experience rather than feeling isolated by one’s failures.
3. Mindfulness vs. Over-Identification: Holding one’s painful thoughts and feelings in balanced awareness rather than over-identifying with them.

The Science Behind Self-Compassion

Research indicates that it is associated with numerous benefits for mental health. A meta-analysis by MacBeth and Gumley (2012) found that higher levels of self-compassion are linked to lower levels of anxiety, depression, and stress. Moreover, it has been shown to enhance emotional resilience, enabling individuals to recover more quickly from setbacks (Neff & Germer, 2013).

Self-compassion practices activate the brain’s self-soothing system, reducing cortisol levels and increasing heart-rate variability, which is linked to better stress management and overall health (Rockliff et al., 2008). Additionally, it can lead to greater emotional intelligence, as it encourages a mindful awareness of one’s emotions and fosters a non-judgmental stance towards oneself (Heffernan et al., 2010).

Why is Self-Compassion Important?

Evolutionary Importance

Self-compassion evolved as a vital need for all mammals, including humans. From birth, care and nurturing are crucial for survival and thriving. The human species succeeded by giving and receiving care, leading to cooperation and flourishing. While receiving care from others is important, we can also fulfill this need ourselves.

Mental Health and Well-Being Benefits

Self-compassion significantly boosts mental health and well-being. Research shows that those who practice self-compassion experience fewer mental health issues like depression, anxiety, and stress. They enjoy a better quality of life, enhanced well-being, and healthier relationships. Compassion releases oxytocin, the “love hormone,” promoting bonding and calmness. Directing compassion inwardly can trigger oxytocin release, bringing calming benefits.

Balancing Our Emotions

Self-compassion helps balance emotions by engaging the soothe system, countering the threat, and drive systems. The threat system, designed for survival, often becomes overactive in modern life, causing anxiety, anger, or depression. The drive system motivates us to achieve goals but can also lead to stress in a competitive society. The soothe system calms both threat and drive systems, promoting safety, calmness, and contentment. Practicing self-compassion activates the soothe system, helping us achieve emotional equilibrium and overall life satisfaction.

Why is it Hard to be Self-Compassionate?

Self-compassion may seem like the answer to self-criticism, but it’s not that simple. Many people struggle to be compassionate towards themselves, and if this applies to you, know you’re not alone. Several factors contribute to this difficulty.

Early Life Experiences

Limited care, kindness, and nurturing during childhood can lead to an underdeveloped soothe system. Compassionate experiences stimulate and help the soothe system thrive. If you didn’t receive much compassion in earlier life, it can be harder to develop self-compassion later.

The Threat System

Our brain is hardwired to easily shift into threat mode to protect us. This default attention bias towards the negative makes turning our attention to self-compassionate endeavors feel unnatural.

Lack of Awareness

Many of us aren’t aware of our struggles or the unhelpful critical ways we treat ourselves. We often go through life on autopilot, stuck in our struggles without pausing to recognize that we could treat ourselves with the same kindness we offer others.

Negative Beliefs about Self-Compassion

Some people cringe at the idea of self-compassion, seeing it as too “touchy-feely” and associating it with laziness, self-indulgence, or self-pity. These negative connotations make it challenging to embrace self-compassion.

How to Cultivate Self-Compassion?

Building self-compassion is a skill that can be developed through practice. Here are some strategies to help cultivate this important trait:

1. Mindfulness Meditation: Practicing mindfulness helps increase awareness and acceptance of the present moment without judgment. This can be particularly effective in recognizing and managing negative self-talk.
2. Loving-Kindness Meditation: This form of meditation involves directing kind thoughts and wishes toward oneself and others. It has been shown to increase feelings of warmth and care for oneself (Hofmann et al., 2011).
3. Self-Compassionate Letter Writing: Writing a letter to oneself, offering compassion and understanding as one would to a dear friend, can be a powerful way to foster self-kindness and reduce self-criticism.
4. Self-Compassion Breaks: Taking short breaks during the day to acknowledge one’s struggles and offer self-kindness can help integrate self-compassion into daily life.

Overcoming Obstacles to Self-Compassion

Many people struggle with self-compassion due to ingrained beliefs that self-criticism is necessary for motivation. However, research suggests that self-compassionate individuals are more likely to take responsibility for their mistakes and are more motivated to improve themselves (Breines & Chen, 2012). Understanding that self-compassion is not self-indulgence or a way to avoid responsibility, but rather a balanced approach to self-improvement can help overcome these obstacles.

Related: Why Is Perfectionism Bad?

The Role of Self-Compassion in Personal Growth

It plays a crucial role in personal growth and development. By fostering a kind and understanding relationship with oneself, individuals can create a supportive internal environment that encourages growth and resilience. It also allows people to accept their flaws and limitations while still striving for personal excellence, leading to more sustainable and fulfilling growth.

Conclusion

Understanding and practicing self-compassion is essential for mental well-being and personal growth. By treating ourselves with kindness and recognizing our shared humanity, we can build resilience and foster a healthier, more supportive relationship with ourselves. The science is clear: self-compassion is not just a feel-good concept, but a critical component of emotional and psychological health.

References

1. Breines, J. G., & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(9), 1133-1143. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167212445599
2. Heffernan, M., Quinn Griffin, M. T., McNulty, S. R., & Fitzpatrick, J. J. (2010). Self-compassion and emotional intelligence in nurses. International Journal of Nursing Practice, 16(4), 366-373. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1440-172X.2010.01853.x
3. Hofmann, S. G., Grossman, P., & Hinton, D. E. (2011). Loving-kindness and compassion meditation: Potential for psychological interventions. Clinical Psychology Review, 31(7), 1126-1132. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2011.07.003
4. MacBeth, A., & Gumley, A. (2012). Exploring compassion: A meta-analysis of the association between self-compassion and psychopathology. Clinical Psychology Review, 32(6), 545-552. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2012.06.003
5. Neff, K. D., & Germer, C. K. (2013). A pilot study and randomized controlled trial of the mindful self-compassion program. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(1), 28-44. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.21923
6. Rockliff, H., Gilbert, P., McEwan, K., Lightman, S., & Glover, D. (2008). A pilot exploration of heart rate variability and salivary cortisol responses to compassion-focused imagery. Clinical Neuropsychiatry, 5(3), 132-139.
7. Self compassion. Self-Compassion Self-Help Resources – Information Sheets & Workbooks. (n.d.). https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Self-Compassion