Different ways of interacting and behaving in relationships characterize attachment styles. In early childhood, these styles focus on the interaction between children and caregivers. In Western society, the most common type of attachment is the secure attachment style.

What is Secure Attachment

Individuals with this attachment style are self-contented, social, warm, and easily forge connections. They are adept at acknowledging and expressing their emotions, often cultivating profound, meaningful, and enduring relationships.

Moreover, adults with a secure attachment style are generally well-regarded in professional settings.

For parents aspiring to raise securely attached children, delving into research on the subject and addressing any personal attachment issues could prove beneficial.

What is Attachment Theory

People often jest that a visit to a therapist will inevitably involve a deep dive into one’s childhood, particularly if the reason for seeking therapy is related to relationship issues. This humorous observation is grounded in the principles of attachment theory, formulated in the 1950s by psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby. According to Bowlby, our early connections with parents or caregivers significantly influence our perceptions and behaviors in relationships throughout our lives.

The dynamics of attachment theory unfold as follows: during infancy and childhood, we rely on our parents or primary caregivers for survival. Our dependence on them leaves us with no choice but to form attachments and trust that they will adequately care for us. In most cases, parents strive to fulfill our needs and create a nurturing environment.

If parents are attuned and responsive, a secure and stable relationship is likely to develop, resulting in a secure attachment style. However, if our needs are perceived as unmet or if parents are not responsive, one of the three insecure attachment styles may emerge.

These insecure attachment styles are:

• Anxious (or preoccupied; termed anxious ambivalent in children)
• Avoidant (or dismissive; termed anxious avoidant in children)
• Disorganized (referred to as fearful-avoidant in children)

Understanding these attachment styles provides insights into how individuals navigate relationships and contribute to therapeutic discussions, particularly when addressing relationship issues. 

What Causes Insecure Attachment

Insecure attachment styles frequently stem from misattuned parenting, childhood trauma, or abuse. These experiences can exert a significant negative influence on an individual’s mental health, social behavior, and capacity to form enduring and stable intimate relationships in adulthood.

It’s crucial to acknowledge that perfection in parenting doesn’t exist. Caregivers likely made mistakes in raising us, and as parents ourselves, we may also encounter challenges. However, occasional mistakes do not automatically translate to attachment issues or guarantee that we will raise a child with such issues. Importantly, around two-thirds of children develop a secure attachment style, underscoring the resilience and adaptability inherent in human attachment dynamics.

How do Children Develop a Secure Attachment Style

When a baby is born, they naturally expect caregivers to meet their needs. The baby signals distress through cues like crying and trusting that caregivers will address the issue. Parents who successfully raise children with a secure attachment style maintain this trust. However, achieving this isn’t always straightforward. As a parent dedicated to fostering a secure attachment style, consider five key conditions.

1. Ensure the Child Feels Safe

Above all, as a parent, your priority is to make your child feel secure. When your child feels protected, they feel safe.

For infants and toddlers, safety revolves around proximity to the mother, who serves as the source of nourishment, warmth, and protection. Any perceived threat comes from being separated from her, venturing beyond the comfort zone.

An attuned mother strikes a balance, being fiercely protective without being overbearing, intrusive, or neglectful. She allows her child space to explore the world while remaining close enough for the child to sense safety.

When the infant ventures too far and feels scared, they should know they can run to the mother for a warm, protective embrace—finding security against the world.

This sends a clear message: “You are safe. You are loved. You are lovable.”

2. Ensure the Child Feels Seen and Known

Attuned parents can accurately interpret their baby’s cues and respond appropriately to their needs.

These attuned responses provide infants with valuable information about the outcomes of their actions. Children learn that when they express a need, they can anticipate a prompt, reliable, and precise response.

This empowers the baby with a sense of control over their own life from an early age:

If I signal hunger, I get fed.

When I signal tiredness, my caregiver rocks me to sleep.

If I signal distress, my caregiver soothes my feelings.

3. Ensure the Child Feels Comfort, Soothing, and Reassurance

The attuned parent’s arms are welcoming and comforting.

When the child is upset, the caregiver provides reassurance and comfort, guiding the child back to a state of calm.

Assisting the child in handling distress and frustrations aids in the development of an internal model of being soothed and comforted.

As time progresses, the child gains the capability to manage their own distress and engage in self-soothing.

4. The child feels valued

The foundation of healthy self-esteem development starts in infancy with the child feeling valued.

Parents fostering healthy self-esteem consistently express delight in who the child is rather than just their actions. They emphasize the child’s being over their doing.

These parents consistently show “expressed delight” in the child, finding joy in nearly everything the child does. Their focus is not solely on tasks but on the pleasures of parenting.

5. The child feels supported to explore

Finally, children should sense support to joyfully and safely explore their world.

Parents who champion this cause harbor profound faith in their child, consistently offering a safety net. Actively engaged in their child’s life, these parents grant space and encourage autonomy and independence.

This sense of security empowers the child to explore, discover, succeed, and sometimes fail. Through such exploration, the child develops a robust, autonomous, strong, and distinct sense of self.

Being as predictable as possible with the child

Returning to the point of maintaining the child’s trust in you, the key lies not in the specifics but in your overall parenting approach. Occasional small mistakes will not lead to your child developing an insecure attachment.

However, consistency is crucial. Inconsistency in parents is a significant risk factor for the emergence of insecure attachment styles in children. Avoid changing your parenting strategy too frequently. Predictability provides the child with a sense of stability and calmness, preventing them from feeling on edge constantly.

Another pivotal risk factor for building an insecure attachment is being unaware of your own emotions and emotional needs. If you recognize signs of having an insecure attachment style yourself, there’s a likelihood of passing it on to the next generation. If this is a concern, seeking understanding and support from someone close to you, a therapist, or through self-help resources is advisable.

A final note: stay calm. You don’t need to fret over every detail of your parenting or your relationship with your child. Secure attachment revolves around the child’s trust in you and your love.

10 Signs of Secure Attachment in Adult Relationships

• Capable of regulating emotions and feelings in a relationship
• Demonstrates robust, goal-oriented behavior when alone.
• Excellent at bonding, opening up to, and trusting others
• Clear understanding of personal life goals and purpose
• Effective communication of needs
• Sense of impact on the world
• Comfort with closeness and mutual dependency
• Active pursuit of emotional support from and providing support to a partner
• Comfort with solitude, using alone time for exploration
• Strong ability to reflect on one’s behavior in a relationship

How to Look For Secure Attachment in Adults

Securely attached adults feel positively about themselves without needing constant reassurance. They are comfortable both on their own and in relationships, valuing intimacy and emotional closeness.

They also hold a positive view of others, trusting their partners and avoiding jealousy or doubt. People with secure attachment styles readily accept affection and are commonly warm, loving, and lovable. They excel in building and maintaining meaningful, long-lasting romantic relationships, being at ease with proximity and forming bonds easily.

Additionally, securely attached adults generally view their childhood positively. They can reflect on past experiences, even if not perfect, appreciating the good and moving forward from the bad.

Can you Develop a Secure Attachment Style in Adulthood

If you identify an insecure attachment style in yourself or your romantic partner, it’s essential to recognize that you’re not confined to enduring the same attitudes, expectations, or behavior patterns throughout life. Change is possible, and you can develop a more secure attachment style as an adult.

Therapy can be immensely helpful, whether through individual sessions with a therapist or couples counseling with your partner. An experienced therapist in attachment theory can assist you in understanding your past emotional experiences and work towards becoming more secure, either individually or as a couple.

If accessing therapy is challenging, there are still several things you can do independently to build a more secure attachment style. Start by learning as much as you can about your insecure attachment style, enhancing your ability to recognize and correct reflexive attitudes and behaviors contributing to relationship challenges.

Consider the following tips to transition to a more secure attachment style:

Improve Nonverbal Communication Skills

Enhance your ability to read, interpret, and communicate nonverbally. Nonverbal cues, such as gestures, posture, and eye contact, play a crucial role in adult relationships. Being present in the moment, managing stress, and developing emotional awareness can help refine these skills.

Boost Emotional Intelligence

Develop emotional intelligence (EQ) to understand, use, and manage your emotions effectively. This ability enables empathy, effective communication, and healthier conflict resolution in your relationship. Understanding and controlling your emotions allows you to express needs and feelings to your partner and comprehend their emotional state.

Build Relationships with Securely Attached Individuals

Forge connections with people who have a secure attachment style. Being in a relationship with someone securely attached can provide support and help shift negative thinking and behavior patterns. Seeking a partner with a secure attachment style or developing strong friendships with such individuals can contribute to adopting new behavioral patterns.

Address Childhood Trauma

Resolve any unresolved childhood trauma that may be impacting your attachment and bonding process. Childhood trauma, stemming from an unsafe or unstable home environment, separation from caregivers, illness, neglect, or abuse, can lead to feelings of insecurity and fear that persist into adulthood. Taking steps to overcome the pain, regain emotional balance, and rebuild trust can make a significant difference, even if the trauma occurred many years ago.

Summary

Secure attachment in relationships involves feeling good about oneself without constantly seeking reassurance. Individuals with this style are comfortable alone or in relationships, valuing intimacy. They trust their partners, avoid jealousy, and readily accept affection. They actively build lasting romantic relationships, find comfort in closeness, and have a positive view of their own childhood, appreciating the good and moving on from challenges.

References

1. Robinson, L. (2023). Retrieved from https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/attachment-and-adult-relationships.htm 
2. Team. (2023). Retrieved from https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/secure-attachment/ 
3. Levine, A. (2019). Attached. London: Bluebird.