People in many relationships engage in nagging, a communication habit that triggers a range of responses, from laughter to frustration to anger. We often assume the role of a “nagger” or a“naggee” in relationships. The term “nagging” is often used in everyday communications but rarely in academic prints. So let’s understand it from an academic perspective.

What is Nagging?

Nagging is when someone keeps annoying another person by constantly scolding, complaining, or urging them. People commonly understand nagging as when someone criticizes or complains about you or something related to you every time they open their mouth.

It is a “persistent persuasion” done to ask someone to do something or to stop doing something. The “nagger” tries several times to make the “naggee” comply. But the naggee responds by not complying. This continues till either the nagger gives up or the naggess complies.

Does Nagging work?

Various research theories explain why people comply when asked or requested to do something.

Self Presentation Theory

This theory proposes that when people are asked to do something for others, they focus on how others perceive them. If they believe that not doing it will reflect poorly on them, they feel motivated to comply to avoid negative judgment.

Perceptual Contrast Theory

This theory relies on two main ideas: anchoring and contrast. When people get used to a certain level of something, like money or happiness, they consider that level normal. This is called “adapting” to it.

In essence, our expectations are anchored to our experiences. Once this anchor is set, a contrast effect happens when we judge others based on our standards for things like wealth, intelligence, or politeness, and we end up disappointed. The other person doesn’t match up to our anchored expectations.

People often experience contrast effects in relationships.

Consider this example:

Person A asks, “Honey, could you do me a really big favor?”

Person B responds, “What?” (anticipating a significant request)

Person A then says, “Could you bring in the mail when you come back from work?”

Undoubtedly, Person B is likely to comply with this request because, compared to what they were expecting, bringing in the mail is a small favor. The contrast between the expected and actual request makes it seem easier.

Indebtedness theory

This theory is based on the idea of reciprocity. This means that we feel an obligation to repay the other person (indebted) when they have done something for us. For example, if B brings in the mail, A might feel indebted and comply with B’s next request.

Now, what happens when a request is not complied with?

Researcher Kari Soule suggests that nagging is one option in such situations. It is commonly done to gain compliance from someone.

Nagging in Parent-Adolescent Relationship

Parents nag when they repeatedly ask a reluctant child to follow a family rule or cooperate with an adult’s request. When done too much, nagging can be tiring and not very satisfying for both the giver and the receiver. It can strain both sides of the relationship.

Why Parents Nag?

Dr. Carl Pickhardt believes that adolescent change plays a part here. As young people grow more independent, they want to do things on their own terms and don’t like being told what to do. This can lead to more active resistance, like arguing, and more passive resistance, like delaying tasks. This is where parental nagging comes in. Why?

Nagging shows the parent is serious: “I keep reminding you because what I want is important.”

Nagging is a way for parents to follow through: “I keep reminding you until the task is done.”

The Conflict

Teenagers who value their independence might push for a compromise: “You can tell me what to do, I’ll decide when to do it, and when I feel like it, I’ll do some of what you want.” The delay tactic indicates that the teenager believes adult authority has no control unless they agree to it. This leads to conflict.

Adolescent delay is a way of saying, “I’ll decide when and how I do what you want.”

Parental nagging is a way of showing determination: “We’ll keep reminding you until what needs doing is done.”

Since nagging can make the conflict between adolescent independence and parental determination worse, it’s best for parents to use it selectively, be specific about what they’re asking, and communicate it matter-of-factly (without getting emotional). For example, “I’m reminding you to wash and put away the dirty dishes left on the kitchen table after your snack.”

4 Types of Emotionally Immature Parents

Teenagers Nag Too

To be fair, parents of a strong-willed teenager might attest that adolescents can do their fair share of nagging too. They might say, “When we say ‘no,’ why can’t you just accept that? Instead, you keep pushing us to change our minds. You keep asking and asking until we finally give in!” 

What Is The Alternative To Nagging?

If everyone is feeling worn out from the constant nagging by parents, there’s a more agreeable but still effective option: use exchange points.

Even though teenagers still rely on parents for various permissions and things they need, parents are usually happy to provide because it’s part of their job. However, the relationship should be a two-way street, with both parties cooperating and contributing for things to go smoothly.

Instead of constantly nagging to receive what was promised but hasn’t happened, the parent can wait for the teenager’s next request. Then, the adult can pleasantly respond, “I’m happy to give you what you want, but before that, I need you to do what I’ve been asking for.”

Summary

Everything we do in relationships has a meaning. Even nagging. It involves persistently persuading someone to do something or stop a behavior. Compliance may or may not follow. Parental nagging can be counter-productive and parents might think about using better alternatives to negotiate with children. 

Reference:

1. Soule, K. P. (2001). Persistence in compliance-gaining interactions: The role of nagging behavior. 
2. (N.d.). Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/202008/parent-adolescent-and-the-use-and-abuse-nagging