In romantic relationships, we typically think and act in certain ways. Attachment theory offers one possible explanation for these patterns. It characterizes attachment style by different ways of interacting and behaving in relationships. During early childhood, this style centers on how children and parents interact. In adulthood, it describes attachment patterns in romantic relationships.

Understanding your unique attachment style can assist you in becoming more self-aware and fostering healthier long-term partnerships.

Attachment Style Theory

Attachment theory, pioneered by psychoanalyst John Bowlby in the 1950s and further developed by Mary Ainsworth, explains how your relationship with your main caregivers shapes how you handle relationships as you grow up.

The theory suggests that infants’ main goal is to stay close to their caregivers, which was crucial for survival in our evolutionary past Because of this evolutionary need, infants and toddlers constantly observe their parents to figure out the best ways to remain near them.

The idea revolves around how confident someone feels that their attachment figure, like a parent or partner, will be there for them. This person acts as a secure base, allowing them to freely explore the world without worry when everything is okay. But when they’re upset or in trouble, the attachment figure becomes a safe haven where they can seek support, protection, and comfort.

The Four Types of Attachment Styles

Secure Attachment

People with secure attachment are at ease with intimacy and can manage both reliance on others and self-sufficiency in relationships.

Preoccupied Attachment (Anxious Attachment in Children)

Those with this attachment style yearn for closeness and might become overly reliant and needy in relationships.

Dismissive Attachment (Avoidant attachment in Children)

This style involves a strong sense of independence, sometimes to the extent of seeming detached. People with dismissive attachment highly value their autonomy and may not appear interested in forming close bonds.

Fearful Attachment (Disorganized attachment in Children)

Individuals with a fearful attachment style long for intimacy but also fear being vulnerable. They might display erratic behavior in relationships due to an inner conflict between wanting closeness and being afraid of it.

Insecure attachment styles, including avoidant, anxious, and disorganized, develop when a child has not consistently relied on their parents to meet their needs while growing up. Secure attachment, however, is likely to form when a child can consistently count on their caregivers. Insecure attachment emerges when children learn they might not always receive the support and comfort they need from others.

Adult Relationships

We unconsciously hold expectations for our romantic partners based on how our parents behaved, which influences our actions. These expectations shape our behavior, whether we’re aware of them or not.

A 2018 study found that women tend to exhibit higher levels of anxiety, while men tend to show higher levels of avoidance in relationships. However, these gender differences are minor and do not directly determine a person’s attachment style.

Regardless of your past relationships, you have the ability to alter your attachment style.

Secure Attachment in Adult Relationships

A secure attachment style is characterized by:

• Regulating emotions effectively.
• Trusting others easily.
• Possessing strong communication skills.
• Seeking emotional support when needed.
• Feeling at ease when alone.
• Being comfortable in intimate relationships.
• Engaging in self-reflection within partnerships.
• Being approachable and easy to connect with.
• Managing conflicts proficiently.
• Maintaining high self-esteem.
• Demonstrating emotional availability.

Securely attached individuals grow up feeling emotionally and physically secure, enabling them to interact with others in a healthy manner.

As a result, those with secure attachment styles typically handle relationships adeptly. They exhibit positivity, trust, and affection towards their partners.

They have faith in their partners’ intentions, and jealousy is seldom a concern. Securely attached individuals believe in their worthiness of love and do not require external validation.

What is Secure Attachment Style in Relationships?

Avoidant Attachment in Adult Relationships

You might exhibit an anxious-avoidant attachment style if you:

• Persistently avoid emotional or physical intimacy.
• Feel a strong sense of independence.
• Are uncomfortable expressing your feelings.
• Dismiss others’ emotions or needs.
• Struggle to trust people.
• Feel threatened by those who attempt to get close to you.
• Prefer spending more time alone than interacting with others.
• Believe you can manage without others in your life.
• Experience “commitment issues.”

 Adults with an anxious-avoidant attachment style often approach relationships with a sense of distance. They typically lack the desire for emotional closeness, preventing romantic relationships from reaching meaningful depths.

Even though they may participate in romantic partnerships, they avoid establishing emotional intimacy. Their partners may feel unable to truly connect, experiencing barriers or dismissal when attempting to deepen the relationship with the anxious-avoidant partner.

Anxious Attachment in Adult Relationships

Signs that you might have an anxious attachment style include:

• Clingy tendencies in relationships.
• High sensitivity to criticism, whether real or perceived.
• Needing approval and validation from others.
• Experiencing jealousy in relationships.
• Struggling to be comfortable when alone.
• Having low self-esteem.
• Feeling unworthy of love or affection.
• Experiencing an intense fear of rejection.
• Feeling significantly afraid of abandonment.
• Having difficulty trusting others.

Individuals with anxious attachment styles often struggle with feelings of unworthiness in love and require consistent reassurance from their partners. They frequently internalize relationship difficulties, attributing them to personal faults, and may demonstrate frequent and intense jealousy or distrust as a result of their low self-esteem.

Ultimately, there is a profound fear of abandonment, rejection, or solitude underlying these behaviors, which tend to manifest in these ways.

 Disorganized Attachment in Adult Relationships

Signs indicating a disorganized attachment style include:

• Fear of rejection.
• Difficulty regulating emotions effectively.
• Displaying contradictory behaviors.
• Experiencing high levels of anxiety.
• Struggling to trust others.

This style exhibits characteristics of both avoidant and anxious attachment styles. This attachment style is often linked with mental health conditions in adulthood, such as:

• Mood disorders.
• Personality disorders.
• Self-harming behaviors.
• Substance use disorder.

Can Your Attachment Style Change?

Some researchers believe that our attachment styles can vary depending on the type of relationship we’re in. Instead of having one overarching inner model for all relationships, we might have different models for different kinds of connections. This means that you could feel secure in your relationship with your parents but insecure in your romantic relationships.

Moreover, it’s worth noting that one’s attachment style can change over time as well.

Summary

While adult romantic attachments may not perfectly mirror early childhood attachments, there’s no denying that our earliest relationships with caregivers shape our development.

Understanding how one interacts with their partner and comprehending the reasons behind their reactions can significantly ease the healing process. This understanding can pave the way for new patterns of thinking and correction of behaviors. In many instances, individuals may benefit from speaking with a counselor to gain clarity on their childhood experiences and how they impact future relationships. While it may not be a straightforward journey, the effort put into it will undoubtedly be rewarding.

References

1. By, Huang, S., on, U., 23, J., & Manager  MED, S. Huang  Project. (2024, January 23). Attachment styles in relationships. Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment-styles.html 
2. Kendra Cherry, Mse. (2023, December 14). What you should know about attachment styles. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/attachment-styles-2795344 
3. Mandriota, M. (2021, October 13). 4 types of attachment: What’s your style? Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/health/4-attachment-styles-in-relationships