We typically associate maturity with adults rather than children but,  it is possible for some sensitive children to be more emotionally mature than their parents within a few years, despite the parents having more life experience. However, when emotionally immature parents lack the capacity to respond appropriately to their children’s emotional needs, the outcome is emotional neglect. 

Emotional neglect is a genuine phenomenon and can be just as detrimental as physical deprivation. Emotional neglect can have long-term negative impacts on a person’s relationships and intimate partners, leading to painful emotional loneliness. 

Ultimately, understanding emotional immaturity allows individuals to focus on their own growth and development, rather than being held back by their parents’ limitations.

There are four types of emotionally immature parents as described by Dr. Lindsay Gibson, in her book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.

Four Types of Emotionally Immature Parents

The Emotional Parent

Emotional parents are childish and demand a lot of attention. Just like a child, they are controlled by their feelings. These parents are so unpredictable that they are either overinvolved or completely disengaged. There is no stable ground for these parents.

They get anxious and upset easily and often need to be comforted by the family. A child of emotional parents has to experience unhappiness and rage at their maximum intensity. When such a parent undergoes a meltdown, the child endures it too. Needless to say that alcohol makes them worse.

The word “emotional” here doesn’t mean someone who sobs in movies. It means someone who is so emotional that they seem mentally unfit. They don’t shy away from giving suicide threats and in severe cases even attempt suicide. Such parents make a kid nervous and intimidated. The most difficult ones may even be bipolar, narcissistic, or psychotic.

The Driven Parent

Superficially, driven parents look normal and mature. They seem very invested in their child’s life and seem to be completely healthy. However, if you look deeper, you see their emotional immaturity.

Driven parents hold the conviction that they know what’s “good” for others. Never in sync with their child’s needs or feelings, they just focus on what they want. These parents are often self-made and proud and fear that their children will embarrass them by not succeeding. They are egocentric and never nurture their child’s unique interests or life paths. 

Often unintentionally,  driven parents make their children feel evaluated constantly. The child never learns to take any initiative and can even end up being unmotivated.

As adults, the children of driven parents never feel good enough, they always feel they should be doing more, or doing something different.

The Passive Parent

Passive parents appear to be more emotionally present than other types, but only to a certain extent. When faced with intense situations, they tend to become passive, withdraw emotionally, and avoid confronting the issue. As a result, they do not provide their children with appropriate limits or guidance to navigate the world. Despite their affection, they may not be able to offer practical assistance.

Passive parents, like the other types, can be immature and self-centered. However, their laid-back and playful nature often makes them more likable than emotional, driven, or rejecting parents. They can display some empathy towards their children, but only if it does not interfere with their own needs. Passive parents may use their children to fulfill their emotional needs, particularly their desire for affectionate attention. 

Children are aware that passive parents are not dependable for much help. Although passive parents may enjoy their children, have fun with them, and make them feel special, the children understand that their parents are not available to them in a crucial way.

These parents are known for disregarding family situations that may be harmful to their children, leaving the kids to fend for themselves. In cases where the mother is the passive parent, she may remain in a relationship with a partner who mistreats or belittles her children due to a lack of financial independence. Such mothers often numb themselves to the reality of their circumstances. 

Passive parents do not realize that their duty extends beyond merely having fun with their children, but also includes protecting them. They may unconsciously desert their children during challenging times, which can also leave a lasting impact on the child.

The Rejecting Parent

Rejecting parents showcase behaviors that call into question why they even started a family in the first place. They often put up a barrier around themselves, indicating that they do not want to spend time with their children and are happiest when they are left alone to do their own thing. They interact with their family through commands, outbursts, or by isolating themselves. 

Children of these parents often get the sense that the parent would be perfectly content if they did not exist. While some may engage in typical family activities, there is little closeness or genuine engagement.

Rejecting parents are generally the least empathetic of the four types, often using avoidance of eye contact or a hostile stare to discourage emotional intimacy. These parents’ irritable demeanor and behavior teaches their children not to approach them, akin to running towards a person only to have the door slammed in their face. This can have significant consequences later in life, as adult children who were rejected may find it difficult to ask for what they need.

Summary

• All emotionally immature parents have one thing in common: they are self-centered and lack empathy, making it difficult for them to connect with their children on an emotional level. 
• They seek to control others for their own benefit and fail to provide emotional support to their children. 
• Their interactions are typically centered around their own needs and desires, making them emotionally draining to be around. Additionally, they are incapable of genuine interpersonal reciprocity.
• Knowing about emotional maturity helps adult individuals understand the limitations of their parents and in turn set realistic expectations of them.

References:

1. Gibson, L. C. (2022). Adult children of emotionally immature parents: How to heal from distant, rejecting, or self-involved parents. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.