At some point, everyone experiences uncertainty, lacks self-confidence, doubts their abilities, or thinks negatively about themselves. Low self-esteem involves holding a generally negative opinion of oneself.

What is Self-Esteem

As humans, we possess the ability to not only be self-aware but also to assign a value or measure of worth to ourselves or different aspects of our identity. Self-esteem, in essence, reflects our views and thoughts about ourselves and the value we attribute to our personhood. 

Challenges with self-esteem often arise from our human capacity to judge and assign value to aspects of ourselves.

What is Low Self-Esteem

Have you ever felt dissatisfied or unhappy with yourself overall? Do you sometimes think of yourself as weak, stupid, not good enough, flawed, inferior to others, useless, worthless, unattractive, ugly, unlovable, a loser, or a failure? These words are commonly used during challenging or stressful situations. However, if you frequently use such terms to describe yourself, it may indicate a problem with low self-esteem.

Low self-esteem involves having a predominantly negative opinion of oneself, consistently evaluating oneself negatively, and assigning a general negative value to one’s own personhood. Individuals with low self-esteem might express their feelings in statements like:

“I get nervous talking to people I don’t know at parties. I feel socially inept and I hate it!”

“I’m overweight. I am so fat and ugly.”

“I couldn’t understand a lot of what the instructor was saying today. I must be really stupid.”

“I’m unimportant.” “I’m a loser.” “I’m unlovable.”

“I’m not good enough.”

Essentially, individuals with low self-esteem typically harbor fundamental, negative beliefs about themselves and the type of person they are. These beliefs are often accepted as undeniable facts or truths.

Impact of Low Self-Esteem

Inhibition

People with low self-esteem often anticipate unfavorable outcomes and commonly experience emotions like sadness, depression, anxiety, guilt, shame, frustration, and anger. Speaking up for themselves and addressing their needs becomes challenging, leading to avoidance of challenges, opportunities, or overly aggressive interactions with others.

Underperforming

Low self-esteem significantly influences various aspects of life, impacting performance at work or school. The belief in lesser capabilities may result in consistently achieving below potential, avoiding challenges, and pushing oneself to compensate for perceived skill deficiencies. Accepting good results as a reflection of their own abilities or positive qualities becomes challenging.

Submissiveness or Vulnerability

In personal relationships, individuals with low self-esteem may react strongly to criticism, strive excessively to please others, exhibit shyness or self-consciousness, and even withdraw from intimacy or social contact. They may be less likely to stand up for themselves or protect against criticism, bullying, or abuse from partners or family members.

Self-deprivation or Restriction.

Engagement in leisure or recreational activities may be limited, as they might believe they don’t deserve pleasure or fun. Avoidance of judgment-prone activities, such as competitive sports, dancing, or art/craft classes, is common.

Maladaptive coping

Personal self-care is also affected, with some turning to excessive alcohol consumption or drug abuse. Neglecting grooming and appearance or striving for perfection to hide perceived inadequacies may be observed, with the desire to be seen as flawless by others.

How Low Self-Esteem Develops

We form opinions about ourselves, make judgments, and assign value to our personhood. These are opinions, not facts, but we often strongly believe in them, which poses a problem. Where do these beliefs and opinions about ourselves originate? How did we develop them?

Early Life Experiences

Our beliefs about ourselves are shaped by the experiences we undergo, particularly in our early life. Often, these beliefs are conclusions drawn from our life events, making sense at the time they were formed. If we harbor highly negative thoughts about ourselves, it’s likely that a range of negative experiences has contributed to this perspective. We’ll now delve into some of these negative experiences.

Punishment, Neglect, or Abuse

The way we were treated in our early years profoundly influences our self-perception and identity. Mistreatment, frequent and extreme punishment, neglect, abandonment, or abuse during childhood can result in emotional and psychological scars. It’s understandable that individuals who have undergone such experiences in their early lives may develop strongly negative beliefs about themselves.

Difficulty in Meeting Parents’ Standards

Facing less severe punishment or constant criticism can also yield negative effects. If parents, caregivers, and family members consistently highlight weaknesses and mistakes while seldom recognizing positive qualities or successes, expressing sentiments like “You could have done better” or “That’s not good enough,” or engaging in teasing, making fun, or putting you down, it can contribute to the development of negative beliefs about oneself.

Not Fitting In at Home or School

Some individuals may have experienced feeling like the ‘odd one out’ either at home or in school. They could have been less academically inclined than their siblings or possessed different interests, talents, or skills compared to others in the family (such as being artistic, musical, sporty, or having a love for mathematics, science, or the arts). Even if they weren’t criticized for their distinct interests or abilities, the acknowledgment of these differences might have been lacking. Meanwhile, the activities or accomplishments of their siblings or peers may have been consistently praised or celebrated. Consequently, they may develop thoughts like “I’m weird,” “I’m odd,” or “I’m inferior.”

Difficulty in Meeting Peer Group Standards

In late childhood and adolescence, interactions with peers and individuals of similar age can significantly shape our self-perception. During this period, physical appearance often holds great importance for young individuals. Coupled with messages from the media, a young person who is overweight, plump, or ‘well-built’ and has encountered few positive experiences with peers may develop beliefs such as “I am fat and ugly,” “I’m unattractive,” or “I’m unlikeable.” Similarly, young people facing challenges with their appearance, such as problematic skin, may adopt negative beliefs about themselves if they have experienced teasing or ridicule from their peers.

Being on the receiving end of other people’s stress or distress

In times of stressful or distressing life events within families, parents may need to focus on addressing the challenges that have arisen. Consequently, they might have limited capacity to provide attention to their child or children. Additionally, in such circumstances, parents or caregivers may experience feelings of frustration, anger, anxiety, or depression, leading to negative responses towards their children or serving as role models of unhelpful behavior.

Your Family’s Place in Society

Our self-perception is shaped not only by individual treatment but also by how our family or group is perceived and treated by society. If your family or the group you belong to is perceived as different, less socially acceptable, or faces prejudice or hostility, these external experiences can also impact how you perceive yourself.

An Absence of Positives

The lack of positive experiences in our lives can also impact our self-esteem. Perhaps you didn’t receive sufficient attention, praise, encouragement, warmth, or affection. Your basic needs may have been adequately met, but additional emotional support was lacking. Some parents or caregivers might have been emotionally distant, lacking physical affection, dedicating extensive time to work or personal interests, and having minimal interactions with their children. These experiences can shape one’s self-perception, especially when comparing them to peers who may have had more positive experiences.

Late Onset

Often, the origins of low self-esteem are rooted in childhood or adolescence experiences. However, individuals with initially healthy self-esteem can see their confidence diminish due to negative experiences later in life. Encounters like workplace bullying, abusive relationships, prolonged financial hardship, continuous stress, traumatic events, or life-altering illnesses or injuries can lead a person to develop low self-esteem.

Negative Core Beliefs: How the Past Affects the Present

Negative core beliefs are the conclusions about ourselves that we formed during childhood or adolescence, often stemming from negative experiences. For instance, a child consistently punished and criticized may develop beliefs like “I am worthless” or “I am bad” – these are what we refer to as negative core beliefs. During childhood or youth, these beliefs may seem rational as the individual may not have explored alternative explanations for their experiences. Negative core beliefs are typically deeply ingrained, firmly held, and strongly embedded in our minds. They serve as evaluations of our self-worth or value as a person, defining the kind of person we believe we are. Other examples include:

“I am stupid.”

“I’m not good enough.”

“I’m not important.”

“I am unlovable.”

“I’m fat and ugly.”

“I am unacceptable.”

“I’m good for nothing.”

“I am evil.”

Protecting Ourselves: Rules & Assumptions

Believing these negative statements about ourselves often leads to intense feelings of self-doubt and strong negative emotions. While navigating negative situations and forming these adverse self-conclusions, the human survival instinct comes into play. To safeguard our self-esteem and ensure our survival, we start developing assumptions, rules, and guidelines for living that serve as protective measures against the harsh reality of our negative core beliefs.

These protective measures may include rules like:

“I must excel at everything.”

“I must avoid making any mistakes.”

“I must conceal my emotions in public.”

“I must always do what is right.”

We might also form assumptions such as:

“If I express my needs, I’ll face criticism.”

“Nothing I do will ever be satisfactory.”

“Lack of control over my food intake signifies a lack of control in my life.”

Combining rules and assumptions is also common, leading to beliefs like:

“I must seek constant approval, as any criticism implies my unacceptability.”

“I won’t attempt anything unless I can do it perfectly; otherwise, it means I am a complete failure.”

“I must always maintain a slim appearance and dress well to be accepted.”

Rules & Assumptions Guide Behaviour

These rules and assumptions significantly influence your behavior, dictating your day-to-day actions. It’s logical, isn’t it? Depending on the rules you’ve set for yourself, you may strive for perfection, maintain a distance from others, control your food intake, engage in rigorous exercise to stay slim, go to great lengths to please people, avoid challenging tasks, and steer clear of new experiences – the list goes on.

Note: If you are dealing with symptoms of low self-esteem, help is accessible. Reach out to a healthcare provider or mental health professional to explore your treatment options. A therapist can assist you in altering thought patterns that contribute to low self-esteem, fostering an improvement in your confidence and self-perception of your abilities.

Summary

Self-esteem pertains to our self-perception, thoughts about ourselves, and the value we assign to our personhood. Low self-esteem can either be a current issue, a consequence of other problems, or a standalone problem and a risk factor for additional challenges. Negative early life experiences may contribute to the formation of a negative self-view. To shield ourselves from the impact of negative core beliefs, we develop rules and assumptions that influence our behavior, albeit often unhelpfully, as they perpetuate the negative beliefs.

Addressing low self-esteem involves tackling present factors that sustain it. Cognitive-behavioral therapy, a therapeutic approach, provides strategies for changing unhelpful thinking and behavior patterns, ultimately influencing how one feels.

Reference: Self-Help Resources – Information Sheets & Workbooks. (n.d.). https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself