In the realm of psychology, the concepts of internalizers and externalizers play a crucial role in understanding how individuals process emotions and respond to stress.

Children who are raised by emotionally immature parents often end up feeling emotionally lonely. Despite appearing and behaving normally by taking care of the child’s physical needs such as providing meals and ensuring safety, these parents fail to establish a strong emotional bond with their child, leaving a void where a sense of genuine security could have been.

When dealing with emotionally immature parents, children tend to handle emotional deprivation in one of two ways: by either internalizing their issues or externalizing them. 

As people progress through life, they may experience periods where they lean more towards internalizing or externalizing, but their fundamental disposition usually favors one of these approaches.

It is, however, essential to strike a balance between the two, so that internalizers learn to seek external help from others, while externalizers learn to find self-control within themselves.

Externalizers: Psychological Characteristics

Externalizers live in the moment

They live in the present without considering future consequences. Their approach to life is to act now and think later.

Externalizers are impulsive

Individuals who externalize tend to act impulsively without considering the consequences.

Unlike internalizers who manage their anxiety, pain, or depression internally, externalizers act out impulsively to distract themselves from immediate problems. However, this impulsive behavior may lead to further problems in the future.

Externalizers lack introspection

They often struggle with self-reflection and place blame on external factors rather than taking responsibility for their actions. They view life as a series of trial-and-error experiences but fail to learn from their mistakes. 

Externalizers rely on others to change things for them

Externalizers hold the belief that their happiness depends on changes in their external environment, and they seek comfort and support from external sources.

This can lead to self-defeating behavior and dependence on immediate gratification, which can manifest in substance abuse and unhealthy relationships.

Externalizers are insecure

They may also struggle with feelings of inferiority or grandiosity. Their fear of losing external sources of security can create anxiety and lead to relationship problems, including dependence on others for stability.

Externalizers try to escape reality

They do not work to develop better self-control and instead become overwhelmed by their emotions. They believe that reality should conform to their wishes, while more mature individuals deal with reality and adapt to it.

This early externalizing coping style can result in emotional immaturity if left unchecked. 

Externalizers Can Be Overbearing Siblings

Externalizing siblings often dominate the household with their problems and emotional outbursts. Emotionally immature parents tend to cater to or rescue externalizing children because they repeatedly make impulsive choices that cause chaos in their lives.

In such families, parents may dismiss complaints of unfair treatment from internalizing children, urging them to accept their siblings’ behavior or try to get along with them. The externalizer’s emotions are prioritized, and internalizers are taught to suppress their needs and focus on their sibling’s needs instead.

Internalizers: Psychological Characteristics

Internalizers are Sensitive and Perceptive

They strongly perceive others’ emotions and are extremely sensitive. They notice everything far more than most people.

Internalizers Have Strong Emotions

Internalizers don’t act out their emotions immediately, so their feelings have a chance to intensify as they’re held inside. And because they feel things deeply, it isn’t surprising that internalizers are often seen as overly sensitive or too emotional. 

Internalizers Have a Deep Need for Connection

Due to their perceptiveness and a strong need for social engagement, internalizers are extremely sensitive to the quality of emotional intimacy in their relationships. Even as children, they notice when people respond to them warmly, and they naturally seek out relationships with safe people outside the family to gain an increased sense of security.

Internalizers Are Apologetic About Needing Help

Internalizers who were shamed for their sensitive emotions during childhood may feel hesitant to express deep emotions and seek help. They may have a sense of unworthiness and believe that their innermost feelings are a burden to others.

Internalizers can be Easy to Neglect

Internalizers tend to rely on their own inner resources, making them appear less needy of attention and nurturance compared to externalizers. They prefer to solve problems independently and dislike feeling like a burden to others, making them easy to overlook as low-maintenance children. However, for busy or preoccupied parents, this self-sufficiency may lead to neglect, as they may assume that their child is managing well without much attention.

Even though internalizers can cope more independently, they still long to connect with their parents and capture their interest. Being emotionally invisible is not okay for any child, especially sensitive and emotionally attuned internalizers.

Related: Emotional Loneliness

Internalizers Are Overly Independent

As emotionally neglected internalizers mature, they may persist in believing that they must handle everything on their own, and they can become quite skilled at doing so. Often, those who experienced neglect in childhood are unaware that their self-reliance was more of a necessity than a preference. However, this excessive independence may prevent them from learning how to seek help in the future, even when it is readily accessible.

Internalizers Don’t See Abuse for What It Is

Because internalizers look within themselves for reasons why things go wrong, they may not recognize abusive behavior in their adult relationships.

Internalizers Do Most of the Emotional Work in Relationships

In healthy families, parents do most of the emotional work with their children. But when parents aren’t coping well, an internalizing child often steps into the parenting gap. This may take the form of being overly responsible, such as caring for younger siblings when parents are swamped with a crisis, or it could mean paying attention to everyone’s feelings to see who’s upset and needs to be calmed down.

As adults, internalizers get by very little support from others and end up doing too much emotional work in their relationships which can lead to resentment and exhaustion.

Mixed Styles of Coping

Personality characteristics in human nature do not exist as pure forms, but rather as a continuum. Internalizing and externalizing exist on a spectrum, with the most extreme examples of each displaying significant differences.

Under certain circumstances, individuals may exhibit behaviors and attitudes typically associated with the opposite personality type.

For example, when externalizers face rock bottom situations, they may become more receptive to the notion that they need to change their behavior instead of expecting the world to accommodate them. Similarly, under severe stress, some internalizers may exhibit impulsive reactions similar to those of externalizers.

Related: Emotional Maturity

Balance Is the Key

Individuals who exhibit extreme coping styles, whether it be extreme externalization or extreme internalization, often face significant difficulties in their daily lives. Those who externalize excessively may experience physical symptoms or engage in problematic behavior, while those who internalize excessively are more prone to emotional symptoms such as anxiety and depression.

However, the effectiveness of either coping style depends on the context. For example, those who internalize excessively may struggle with self-sabotaging behaviors such as inaction, reluctance to speak up, and avoidance of seeking help. On the other hand, although externalizers may encounter chaos in their lives, their impulsive nature can lead them to take action and explore different solutions.

In certain circumstances, both coping styles can be advantageous. Ultimately, difficulties arise when individuals become trapped at the extreme end of either coping style.

Summary

• Recognizing the differences between internalizers and externalizers is essential for effective mental health treatment.
• Externalizers believe that solutions to their problems can be found outside themselves, while internalizers tend to rely on self-reflection to solve their issues. 
• It is difficult to determine which coping style is more challenging. Internalizers may experience more conscious suffering due to self-blame, but their tendency to seek reassurance and support from others can be helpful.
• In contrast, externalizers often engage in behaviors that frustrate and anger others, making it harder for them to receive assistance when needed. 
• Externalizers typically continue acting out until someone intervenes. On the other hand, internalizers may silently suffer and appear to be doing well, even though they are struggling internally. As a result, people may not realize that internalizers need help and fail to offer assistance.

Reference: Gibson, L.C. (2022) Adult children of emotionally immature parents: How to heal from distant, rejecting, or self-involved parents. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.